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from Natural Life magazine,
January/February 2009 The Clingy Child Q: My three-year-old son clings to me and won’t play with other children. He wants to be with me when I shower, eat, sleep...and in play groups he just sits on me while other children seem to have so much fun. My father-in-law tells me that I am destroying his ability to develop independence. He thinks our co-sleeping and breastfeeding and all this holding is the cause of his lack of independence. Am I doing something wrong? A: Not only you are doing nothing wrong but, clearly, your son does not lack independence at all. In fact, he is your teacher of self-reliance. How you know what is best for him is by observing and responding, which is what you are doing. We assume that independence means that the child does things away from mom and dad, on his own. But what does this have to do with independence? Independence is not about what the child does or who he is with. Instead, it is about the reason for his choices. Is your child choosing his actions with a goal of impressing others, or is he making choices independently based on his own inner guide (which can include consideration of others)? Children who play together may or may not be choosing independently. Some could be playing together out of compliance; responding to peer pressure or to parental expectations; others may, indeed, choose autonomously. The actual playing with kids is not, on its own, an indication of independence. I hear that you wish for your child to make choices based on his own inner guidance. You want him to be able to rely on himself so that, instead of seeking approval, he would have the emotional freedom to act authentically and autonomously. Young children sense our expectations and are eager to please us (even when we are unable to see it). When trusted and respected, they cooperate and try to fit in with our lives. This is the basis for the gradual development of consideration and partnership. However, when it comes to the child’s autonomous choices about himself, it is crucial to keep him free from needing to please others or live up to anyone else’s standards. We please another when we do something for them, not when we do something for ourselves. Only a confused mind will do something for herself with the goal of satisfying another (kind of like eating so your neighbor will be nourished). Many of us suffer the insecurity and anxiety associated with making personal and parenting choices with the goal of pleasing others. A child who is used to making choices about himself based on parental coercion will do the same with peer pressure later on in life. Indeed, if we direct the child’s personal choices, we take him away from independence and teach him to follow others, even against his own wisdom. Your son’s dependence on you is his independent choice. He chooses to be close to you. He is not swayed by your anxiety, by his grandpa’s concern or by being the only one not playing with the other kids. Your son is independent!!! Nurturing Your Child’s Self-reliance From Babyhood From day one, a child is learning how to make choices; she either learns to
listen to herself or to seek cues from others. When the infant signals to her
mother and receives a prompt response, she learns to rely on herself because
it’s working for her. To read the rest of this article, subscribe to Natural Life's digital edition, which includes access to this and other back issues. Naomi Aldort is the author of the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek her advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, Australia, the UK, and are translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Indonesian and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is 14-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort, whose website is www.OliverAldort.com. Her middle son is 17-year-old composer and self-made pianist Lennon Aldort, whose website is www.LennonAldort.com For a free newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and products by Naomi, visit www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com. |
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