John Holt’s
overriding message in his pioneering book How Children Learn (Classics in Child Development)
can be
condensed into one very simple concept: Trust children. He explains, however,
that we adults find this difficult because “to trust children we must first
learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could
not be trusted.”
Coming face-to-face with the realization that I actually had to learn how to
trust myself was probably the most unexpected revelation of motherhood for me.
Nothing prepared me for the learning that would take place alongside my rite of
passage into motherhood. The enormity and the pace of it has been exponential,
catapulting me headlong onto the steepest learning curve of my life!
Notwithstanding the sheer volume of childrearing data and anecdotal evidence
already available, I soon discovered that it was ultimately my responsibility,
both to my children and to myself, to make good parenting choices. I had to
trust myself to sift through the barrage of information and make wise decisions
regarding my children.
I am eternally
thankful for the wisdom of the lactation consultant, Johanna, in our
breastfeeding support group when my first daughter was born. “You are your
child’s best advocate,” she said repeatedly, trying to instill self-confidence
in us new moms. Mainly, she was addressing the difficulties and uncertainties we
were experiencing as nursing moms in a bottle-feeding culture, but her wise
words have continued to serve me well in all areas of mothering.
Looking back
over the past eight years of motherhood, I recognize a pattern of learning
which, if not exactly forced upon me, was certainly thrust upon me, as I
navigated my way through the various stages. It’s as if each stage wisened me
up, toughened me up even, in readiness for graduation to the next stage. In the
words of the Greek philosopher Aristotle, “What we have to learn to do, we learn
by doing.”
Having swum against the proverbial tide from the start in my parenting, I have
placed myself well outside of what’s considered the norm in our society, and
often find motherhood a constant battle of wits against those who think they
know what’s best for me and my family! Those supposed experts – who stand in
judgment, ready to pounce on my every move that doesn’t meet with their approval
– threaten to render me defenseless in the face of attack.
Ever the optimist, though, I am sure that the external pressure I’ve had to
overcome and the sometimes painful life lessons I’ve learned have given me the
confidence and strength I need to be true to myself in how I raise my children.
There is one particular incident that epitomizes the developmental leap in my
self-understanding and in my deeper understanding of others, although at the
time the incident occurred, I was too frazzled and upset to see it as anything
but another nail in the coffin of my desire to follow my heart in mothering.
We were staying with my parents-
in-law for a few days and my daughter Grace was in full toddler flight....
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