The original natural family living magazine, founded in 1976. Reader-supported
and trusted by thinking people around the world who want positive alternatives
to high cost, high consumption lifestyles for themselves and their families.
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||
|
from Natural Life magazine,
November/December 2008 Spacing Children's Births Q: Every time I put my toddler in the car she screams and doesn’t want to sit. I give her toys and food, but she just struggles and sometimes gets herself half out of the seatbelt, which scares me. She screams while I drive and I feel unsafe. How can I help her to sit in the car calmly when we must go somewhere? A: It is not possible for most toddlers to adopt themselves to our plans when it contradicts what they need. The child always has a valid reason for what she does. Once I understand her, I am much more capable of finding loving solutions. Take a quiet moment to doubt your own expectations: Should your daughter sit in the car when she does not want to? I don’t think that’s what you want. Notice the war inside you when you believe that she should give up her wants and sit in the car. Notice how, when you believe this fantasy, your own wisdom is blocked by anxiety so you cannot see creative solutions. Now imagine yourself without the thought that she should sit quietly in the car when she does not want to. Take a deep breath and imagine her when she is struggling to get out of the seat; watch her with a silent mind and an open heart. Even a few seconds of such focused stillness inside you can bring insight. The moment we let go of our convictions we become wise and resourceful. Listening to your child without your expectation, you notice that she is innocently striving to have her life go her way. You may discover how you taught her that life must always go her way (as I explain in other places, including my column on Tantrums) or you may realize that you are asking her for something she cannot give. Solutions pour in when you observe that your daughter has a valid reason to refuse sitting in the car and that, with rare exceptions, you can honor her wish. Ask her if she wants to go before leaving home. If she doesn’t, look for a different solution. If she says she would go but then she refuses to buckle up, then she really doesn’t want to go. You may ask your partner to do the errands or find someone to go with. The main difficulty with car rides arises when we take a baby or a toddler in a car alone. You cannot be the driver and the caring parent at the same time. If you always have another adult, you are more likely to be able to care for the child so that she stays content. The question is, therefore, not how to get your child to do what she doesn’t want to do (and therefore cannot do). Instead the question is how to plan your life based on the fact that your toddler is not ready to sit in the car. The lurking question of “how will she ever learn to like it,” answers itself when you plan life kindly around your child’s limitations. When not forced to do what she isn’t ready to, she will have no negative experiences to resist. She will come to flow with life just as you flow with where she is at the moment. What if I Have to Drive my Older Child/ren? Many parents take their children to, by far, too many activities and classes and create too much friction where none is needed. Between dropping some activities to getting rides from friends, you . . . To read the rest of this article, subscribe to Natural Life's digital edition, which includes access to this and other back issues. Naomi Aldort is the author of the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek her advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, Australia, the UK, and are translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Indonesian and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is 14-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort, whose website is www.OliverAldort.com. Her middle son is 17-year-old composer and self-made pianist Lennon Aldort, whose website is www.LennonAldort.com For a free newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and products by Naomi, visit www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com. |
|||||||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||||||
