Q: Every time I put my toddler in the car she
screams and doesn’t want to sit. I give her toys and food, but she just
struggles and sometimes gets herself half out of the seatbelt, which scares me.
She screams while I drive and I feel unsafe. How can I help her to sit in the
car calmly when we must go somewhere?
A: It is not possible for most toddlers to adopt themselves
to our plans when it contradicts what they need. The child always has a valid
reason for what she does. Once I understand her, I am much more capable of
finding loving solutions.
Take a quiet moment to doubt your own expectations: Should your daughter sit
in the car when she does not want to? I don’t think that’s what you want. Notice
the war inside you when you believe that she should give up her wants and sit in
the car. Notice how, when you believe this fantasy, your own wisdom is blocked
by anxiety so you cannot see creative solutions.
Now imagine yourself without the thought that she should sit quietly in the
car when she does not want to. Take a deep breath and imagine her when she is
struggling to get out of the seat; watch her with a silent mind and an open
heart. Even a few seconds of such focused stillness inside you can bring
insight. The moment we let go of our convictions we become wise and resourceful.
Listening to your child without your expectation, you notice that she is
innocently striving to have her life go her way. You may discover how you taught
her that life must always go her way (as I explain in other places, including my
column on Tantrums) or you may realize that you are asking her for something she
cannot give.
Solutions pour in when you observe that your daughter has a valid reason to
refuse sitting in the car and that, with rare exceptions, you can honor her
wish. Ask her if she wants to go before leaving home. If she doesn’t, look for a
different solution. If she says she would go but then she refuses to buckle up,
then she really doesn’t want to go. You may ask your partner to do the errands
or find someone to go with.
The main difficulty with car rides arises when we take a baby or a toddler in
a car alone. You cannot be the driver and the caring parent at the same time. If
you always have another adult, you are more likely to be able to care for the
child so that she stays content.
The question is, therefore, not how to get your child to do what she doesn’t
want to do (and therefore cannot do). Instead the question is how to plan your
life based on the fact that your toddler is not ready to sit in the car. The
lurking question of “how will she ever learn to like it,” answers itself when
you plan life kindly around your child’s limitations. When not forced to do what
she isn’t ready to, she will have no negative experiences to resist. She will
come to flow with life just as you flow with where she is at the moment.
What if I Have to Drive my Older Child/ren?
Many parents take their children to, by far, too many activities and classes
and create too much friction where none is needed. Between dropping some
activities to getting rides from friends, you . . .
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Naomi Aldort is the author of the book Raising Our Children,
Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek her advice by phone, in
person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice
columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, Australia, the
UK, and are translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese,
Indonesian and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son
is 14-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort, whose website is
www.OliverAldort.com. Her middle son
is 17-year-old composer and self-made pianist Lennon Aldort, whose website is
www.LennonAldort.com For a free
newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and products by Naomi,
visit www.NaomiAldort.com or
www.AuthenticParent.com.
